I smell like hickory smoked cow.

I never thought I'd discover a home for myself so early in my life. And quite possibly there is an even more suitable place out there, which I am keeping my mind open to. However, for the time being anyway, Montana has proven itself to be "The Last Best Place". Yes, I am freezing my ass off right now just as I am pretty much all the time. But it is so worth it for the great people, the mountains, my quaint little cottage home in the middle of nowhere, and the general sense of calm I get just from driving around.

Clay is still miserable. He doesn't seem to be any better off emotionally here than when in Maui. I suppose I thought the move would change everything but he just isn't as enthusiastic as me. I know he is definitely destroyed by the chef position at Jammer's. I wish there was some way I could tell him to appreciate what he has without directly saying, "Appreciate what you have."

He is right, though, GPI isn't being fair in many ways. Many employees move up quickly who don't deserve to and many employees get held back who don't deserve to be. And it seems that if there is at least one person who has authority or works in HR who doesn't like you then you are basically doomed. I think important decisions are made based on hearsay more often than not, which causes situations like Clay's.

It isn't wonderful to be working at a fried chicken and barbeque restaurant. My nickname is Carrot Top and my boss, who has likely eaten deep fried food every day of his life for the last 20 years, told me that I look very unhealthy, probably because I don't eat meat. It is kind of a nightmare.

But, all in all, they are nice people and a job is a job. I have another interview for a drive thru espresso stand today. I've never worked 2 jobs before but if there was ever a time to do so I figure it would be now.

Also, if you're looking for something to read pick up tiny beautiful things or check out Dear Sugar on the Rumpus. net. They are the same thing by Cheryl Strayed. And it changed my life. Which is a totally cliche thing to say but very truly it has made me determine that I want to be a writer.

And listen to Halah by Mazzy Star. Because I said so.

Home is where your car is parked.

I slept in my car this morning. For the first time in my adult life I slept in my car in the parking lot of the library. Not for the entirety of a night, by any means. But for a solid hour and half I slept waiting for the library to open. I didn't get much sleep last night and had to wake up dreadfully early to get Clay to work and the Montana Coffee Traders got too busy and here is what I thought:

"I am not unmotivated but I am being inactive. How do I force myself to do things like call back places to get a job? Then again, I was cursing myself this time last year for not reading more and at least it is very true that I have changed that much about myself. But now I feel I am making up for lost time. Will time always appear as if it is being raced or challenged or saved or lost? Apparently, I have the absolute worst taste in music. Albums and artists I can't get enough of make others want to vomit. I start to play something during a casual hangout and within minutes someone in the room is asking me to change it. and it verily bewilders me every single time. I can't believe they aren't enjoying it! not even 'as much as me' but not at all. Then again I know that when others are playing their beloved music I constantly want them to change it too. And what a shock it always is to them that I don't enjoy Oasis or Linkin Park! The problem is I think I don't want the responsibility of being an adult or possibly I am just really, really poor at it. Like right now for instance- I mostly just want to sit in Montana Coffee Traders for the free wifi but I'm too anxious/weirdo to just go up and ask for the goddamn passcode and apparently I have also become one of those annoying coffeehouse regulars that says passcode instead of password. Anyway, what do I do instead? I write in my journal and make a playlist on itunes and sip cold coffee (because I also don't want to ask if I get a refill). I desire to get outta here and go find some cigarettes and go to the library with the fellow weirdos and where I already know the passcode. Damn it all! I forgot I need to eat and a slice of their quiche would be perfect... Clay has already been at work for an hour. I wonder what he is doing? I truly, madly, deeply need to get a job. What makes others more employable than me? How much courage is it going to take me just to print copies of my resume at the library? Why can't I function like a normal human being?"

Instead of going up there and getting some more coffee (because who would really stop me or say anything?) and asking for the passcode or purchasing quiche for breakfast I packed up, stopped to buy cigarettes, smoked two of them on the way to the library, realized it wasn't open, and decided to sleep in my car.