Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
I smell like hickory smoked cow.
I never thought I'd discover a home for myself so early in my life. And quite possibly there is an even more suitable place out there, which I am keeping my mind open to. However, for the time being anyway, Montana has proven itself to be "The Last Best Place". Yes, I am freezing my ass off right now just as I am pretty much all the time. But it is so worth it for the great people, the mountains, my quaint little cottage home in the middle of nowhere, and the general sense of calm I get just from driving around.
Clay is still miserable. He doesn't seem to be any better off emotionally here than when in Maui. I suppose I thought the move would change everything but he just isn't as enthusiastic as me. I know he is definitely destroyed by the chef position at Jammer's. I wish there was some way I could tell him to appreciate what he has without directly saying, "Appreciate what you have."
He is right, though, GPI isn't being fair in many ways. Many employees move up quickly who don't deserve to and many employees get held back who don't deserve to be. And it seems that if there is at least one person who has authority or works in HR who doesn't like you then you are basically doomed. I think important decisions are made based on hearsay more often than not, which causes situations like Clay's.
It isn't wonderful to be working at a fried chicken and barbeque restaurant. My nickname is Carrot Top and my boss, who has likely eaten deep fried food every day of his life for the last 20 years, told me that I look very unhealthy, probably because I don't eat meat. It is kind of a nightmare.
But, all in all, they are nice people and a job is a job. I have another interview for a drive thru espresso stand today. I've never worked 2 jobs before but if there was ever a time to do so I figure it would be now.
Also, if you're looking for something to read pick up tiny beautiful things or check out Dear Sugar on the Rumpus. net. They are the same thing by Cheryl Strayed. And it changed my life. Which is a totally cliche thing to say but very truly it has made me determine that I want to be a writer.
And listen to Halah by Mazzy Star. Because I said so.
Clay is still miserable. He doesn't seem to be any better off emotionally here than when in Maui. I suppose I thought the move would change everything but he just isn't as enthusiastic as me. I know he is definitely destroyed by the chef position at Jammer's. I wish there was some way I could tell him to appreciate what he has without directly saying, "Appreciate what you have."
He is right, though, GPI isn't being fair in many ways. Many employees move up quickly who don't deserve to and many employees get held back who don't deserve to be. And it seems that if there is at least one person who has authority or works in HR who doesn't like you then you are basically doomed. I think important decisions are made based on hearsay more often than not, which causes situations like Clay's.
It isn't wonderful to be working at a fried chicken and barbeque restaurant. My nickname is Carrot Top and my boss, who has likely eaten deep fried food every day of his life for the last 20 years, told me that I look very unhealthy, probably because I don't eat meat. It is kind of a nightmare.
But, all in all, they are nice people and a job is a job. I have another interview for a drive thru espresso stand today. I've never worked 2 jobs before but if there was ever a time to do so I figure it would be now.
Also, if you're looking for something to read pick up tiny beautiful things or check out Dear Sugar on the Rumpus. net. They are the same thing by Cheryl Strayed. And it changed my life. Which is a totally cliche thing to say but very truly it has made me determine that I want to be a writer.
And listen to Halah by Mazzy Star. Because I said so.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Home is where your car is parked.
I slept in my car this morning. For the first time in my adult life I slept in my car in the parking lot of the library. Not for the entirety of a night, by any means. But for a solid hour and half I slept waiting for the library to open. I didn't get much sleep last night and had to wake up dreadfully early to get Clay to work and the Montana Coffee Traders got too busy and here is what I thought:
"I am not unmotivated but I am being inactive. How do I force myself to do things like call back places to get a job? Then again, I was cursing myself this time last year for not reading more and at least it is very true that I have changed that much about myself. But now I feel I am making up for lost time. Will time always appear as if it is being raced or challenged or saved or lost? Apparently, I have the absolute worst taste in music. Albums and artists I can't get enough of make others want to vomit. I start to play something during a casual hangout and within minutes someone in the room is asking me to change it. and it verily bewilders me every single time. I can't believe they aren't enjoying it! not even 'as much as me' but not at all. Then again I know that when others are playing their beloved music I constantly want them to change it too. And what a shock it always is to them that I don't enjoy Oasis or Linkin Park! The problem is I think I don't want the responsibility of being an adult or possibly I am just really, really poor at it. Like right now for instance- I mostly just want to sit in Montana Coffee Traders for the free wifi but I'm too anxious/weirdo to just go up and ask for the goddamn passcode and apparently I have also become one of those annoying coffeehouse regulars that says passcode instead of password. Anyway, what do I do instead? I write in my journal and make a playlist on itunes and sip cold coffee (because I also don't want to ask if I get a refill). I desire to get outta here and go find some cigarettes and go to the library with the fellow weirdos and where I already know the passcode. Damn it all! I forgot I need to eat and a slice of their quiche would be perfect... Clay has already been at work for an hour. I wonder what he is doing? I truly, madly, deeply need to get a job. What makes others more employable than me? How much courage is it going to take me just to print copies of my resume at the library? Why can't I function like a normal human being?"
Instead of going up there and getting some more coffee (because who would really stop me or say anything?) and asking for the passcode or purchasing quiche for breakfast I packed up, stopped to buy cigarettes, smoked two of them on the way to the library, realized it wasn't open, and decided to sleep in my car.
"I am not unmotivated but I am being inactive. How do I force myself to do things like call back places to get a job? Then again, I was cursing myself this time last year for not reading more and at least it is very true that I have changed that much about myself. But now I feel I am making up for lost time. Will time always appear as if it is being raced or challenged or saved or lost? Apparently, I have the absolute worst taste in music. Albums and artists I can't get enough of make others want to vomit. I start to play something during a casual hangout and within minutes someone in the room is asking me to change it. and it verily bewilders me every single time. I can't believe they aren't enjoying it! not even 'as much as me' but not at all. Then again I know that when others are playing their beloved music I constantly want them to change it too. And what a shock it always is to them that I don't enjoy Oasis or Linkin Park! The problem is I think I don't want the responsibility of being an adult or possibly I am just really, really poor at it. Like right now for instance- I mostly just want to sit in Montana Coffee Traders for the free wifi but I'm too anxious/weirdo to just go up and ask for the goddamn passcode and apparently I have also become one of those annoying coffeehouse regulars that says passcode instead of password. Anyway, what do I do instead? I write in my journal and make a playlist on itunes and sip cold coffee (because I also don't want to ask if I get a refill). I desire to get outta here and go find some cigarettes and go to the library with the fellow weirdos and where I already know the passcode. Damn it all! I forgot I need to eat and a slice of their quiche would be perfect... Clay has already been at work for an hour. I wonder what he is doing? I truly, madly, deeply need to get a job. What makes others more employable than me? How much courage is it going to take me just to print copies of my resume at the library? Why can't I function like a normal human being?"
Instead of going up there and getting some more coffee (because who would really stop me or say anything?) and asking for the passcode or purchasing quiche for breakfast I packed up, stopped to buy cigarettes, smoked two of them on the way to the library, realized it wasn't open, and decided to sleep in my car.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
My hair products are eating my brain.
I think if I don't get out of Maui soon I will pop.
Here is the deal, in list form:
1. Colleen (my boss) was on vacation in New York (her home state) for the holiday season. Before she left she gave to me an alcohol license training manual. She told me to just read it once through and go take the test in Wailuku, which will cost me $20. Also, if I lose that training manual it will cost $20 to replace it.
2. I work nearly every single day she is gone, Christmas day and New Years Eve being the only exceptions. I know that Clay wants to leave but in order to get out I have to save up the ca$h money so I keep on truckin'.
3. Everyone seems relatively content that I am fine to work with with the exception of Lexi, who undoubtedly can't stand the sight of me for no discernible reason that I can figure.
4. Colleen returns and in a casual conversation with Clay says, "Oh, Cassie wanted to keep working? I thought she was only working through to the new year...?"*
5. She also mentions to Clay that she is planning on cutting down the hours of both Rachel and Travis, the only servers working at Colleen's with a soul. Travis because he is always stoned and Rachel because she spends too much time talking to tables, supposedly and respectively.
6. I have to go in and look at the new schedule to see if I actually got put on it. Rachel is working and happens to be training a new girl, Josie. **
7. I think that Josie is there to replace me. So, I text Colleen to ask when I work next.
8. She gives me Tuesday AM shift, which went fine.
9. But Clay and I have prospects in West Glacier and at Big Sky. I have the money to get plane tickets and move, it is just a matter of securing a base.
10. Rachel, consequently, wants to get out ASAP too. She's been talking about Alaska so much lately and I keep encouraging her to do it. It would mean that she has officially been to all 50 states if she did go and other than her sweet dog, Isis, she has not reason to stay in Maui.
Anyway, the transition period is rough. Both Clay and I are stir crazy. The stress is making him physically sick and I had a panic attack for the first time since spring the other day. I have actual dreams of being in Montana.
Colleen's, at least, has given me plenty of dos and don'ts in my brainstorm for a books on how to be a casual server/diner. First and foremost: if cocaine becomes apparent as a problem for some of your other staff members, then you probably don't want to work there. Also, if your coworkers enjoy protein smoothies, go to pilates classes, own bright pink hello kitty purses, and can't appreciate a customer who buys other customer's meals as a way of keeping the 'aloha' alive while you are someone who wears destroyed converse sneakers, goes hiking, watches roseanne, and has real meaningful and friendly relationships with customers then you are probably not wrong in thinking that you don't fit in (WHICH IS TOTALLY OK) and it is in your best interest to GET OUT. GET OUT NOW.
*Which is completely absurd. First of all, she is the boss and should know what is going on all the time. Second, she should probably tell me what she wants me to work. Third, never in any conversation with her did she indicate that I was a holiday worker. Fourth, why would she give me the training manual to earn a long-term commitment badge to work for her restaurant if those were not her intentions? She's lying because (1) she doesn't have any actual hours to give me and/or (2) one of the other workers, most likely Lexi, told her I'm not working out in some way.
** Little does she know that she is training the girl who will replace her.
Here is the deal, in list form:
1. Colleen (my boss) was on vacation in New York (her home state) for the holiday season. Before she left she gave to me an alcohol license training manual. She told me to just read it once through and go take the test in Wailuku, which will cost me $20. Also, if I lose that training manual it will cost $20 to replace it.
2. I work nearly every single day she is gone, Christmas day and New Years Eve being the only exceptions. I know that Clay wants to leave but in order to get out I have to save up the ca$h money so I keep on truckin'.
3. Everyone seems relatively content that I am fine to work with with the exception of Lexi, who undoubtedly can't stand the sight of me for no discernible reason that I can figure.
4. Colleen returns and in a casual conversation with Clay says, "Oh, Cassie wanted to keep working? I thought she was only working through to the new year...?"*
5. She also mentions to Clay that she is planning on cutting down the hours of both Rachel and Travis, the only servers working at Colleen's with a soul. Travis because he is always stoned and Rachel because she spends too much time talking to tables, supposedly and respectively.
6. I have to go in and look at the new schedule to see if I actually got put on it. Rachel is working and happens to be training a new girl, Josie. **
7. I think that Josie is there to replace me. So, I text Colleen to ask when I work next.
8. She gives me Tuesday AM shift, which went fine.
9. But Clay and I have prospects in West Glacier and at Big Sky. I have the money to get plane tickets and move, it is just a matter of securing a base.
10. Rachel, consequently, wants to get out ASAP too. She's been talking about Alaska so much lately and I keep encouraging her to do it. It would mean that she has officially been to all 50 states if she did go and other than her sweet dog, Isis, she has not reason to stay in Maui.
Anyway, the transition period is rough. Both Clay and I are stir crazy. The stress is making him physically sick and I had a panic attack for the first time since spring the other day. I have actual dreams of being in Montana.
Colleen's, at least, has given me plenty of dos and don'ts in my brainstorm for a books on how to be a casual server/diner. First and foremost: if cocaine becomes apparent as a problem for some of your other staff members, then you probably don't want to work there. Also, if your coworkers enjoy protein smoothies, go to pilates classes, own bright pink hello kitty purses, and can't appreciate a customer who buys other customer's meals as a way of keeping the 'aloha' alive while you are someone who wears destroyed converse sneakers, goes hiking, watches roseanne, and has real meaningful and friendly relationships with customers then you are probably not wrong in thinking that you don't fit in (WHICH IS TOTALLY OK) and it is in your best interest to GET OUT. GET OUT NOW.
*Which is completely absurd. First of all, she is the boss and should know what is going on all the time. Second, she should probably tell me what she wants me to work. Third, never in any conversation with her did she indicate that I was a holiday worker. Fourth, why would she give me the training manual to earn a long-term commitment badge to work for her restaurant if those were not her intentions? She's lying because (1) she doesn't have any actual hours to give me and/or (2) one of the other workers, most likely Lexi, told her I'm not working out in some way.
** Little does she know that she is training the girl who will replace her.
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