Dwellings

Why is it that my mind is so susceptible to giving so much focus to occurrences throughout life that ultimately have almost no real significance to who I am and what I am trying to accomplish?

Why can I remember times that were humiliating for myself as a nine year old girl?

Why do I remember people who seemed disapproving of me or blatantly expressed dislike for me, but trying to remember the faces of smiling passersby is difficult?

Why do I dwell on interactions that make me feel uncomfortable or unhappy when they are mere minute details of my being?

And why, oh why, are we so negative towards one another?

I make it my job, every day, to be an encouraging and positive force on others. Of course, I fail more often than succeed because I cannot make my brain keep up with the tasks I have set for it to do. I linger on fleeting thoughts and get easily frustrated if I have not eaten or did not sleep well or lack proteins and energy and hydration or if I don't feel well because of menstrual cramps or a hangover. These elements can quickly change my mood and distract me from how I've told myself to behave. These are all excuses as well. It is true that no one around me has intentionally altered their behavior to affect my mood, at least I sure as hell hope not. So, it would make no sense for me to "take it out on them" by inserting negativity in to my surroundings when the cause of my own negativity is not the fault of anyone else and sometimes not even of myself.

It is so simple to grab a glass of water and an advil without so much of a peep. What use is it to make a big deal of a headache, thereby making it worse, notifying everyone in the room that you are suffering, when one could so quietly find a solution to the problem and carry on? Why do we feel the need to share our suffering, especially when it isn't suffering at all. It is slight discomfort in comparison to the extremeness of suffering.

I have found that I am, in fact and as my mother told me all along, an incredulously sensitive person. My feelings are easily hurt, I can often miss jokes because I'm thinking to seriously, and concepts like "belonging" and "acceptance" are important to me. As soon as I detect rejection my mind is quick to detach itself.

I feel such a strong, pulsing attachment to the state of Montana, the mountain ranges of the west, Glacier National Park, Lake McDonald, the city of Whitefish, the snow that falls there, the animals that roam there, each sunrise and sunset, each trail and tree and stream and shore.

Maui is a beautiful place too. Yet I feel absolutely no attachment to this location. I don't particularly care if I never see the waves crashing against the beaches of Paia again, as long as it means I never have to sit in Paia traffic again.

Does Montana traffic have no affect on me simply because it is occurring in a place that gives me a positive stimuli? Should I, then, be selective of my environments knowing that one will produce a happier, more positive me?

But, what is it about Montana that triggers a favorable response? Does it matter? If I were to find out that all the core reasons in which I prefer Montana to other places are completely arbitrary, meaning I could acquire and achieve the same elsewhere, would it change my mind?

The truth is I don't think it does matter. It could be that the weather is more suitable. Maybe I've subconsciously coaxed myself into feeling that Montana is spiritually correct, that my soul was meant to find a home there and I haven't any real control of it all. That is absurd in reality but whatever the agent is to my affection, the affection does exist and I should allow myself the environment, not deny myself of it.

Is this going to change the way in which I travel and explore? Probably. I am far less likely to go anywhere tropical now.

I feel so completely scatterbrained right now. My mind keeps returning to the thought of some guys from last night laughing at my enthusiasm for the idea of Batman being a spokesperson for women's suffrage and their questioning of my intelligence. It is 99.99% certain that I will never encounter these men again in my life. Still, I felt utterly out of place. Wearing black pants and converse sneakers to a beach. Because, in my mind when I hear 'camping' I think I need to be prepared for the outdoors and protect my lower half. But Maui camping means hanging out in tents by the beach and a highway.
I felt that my humor never once translated the way I had hoped in my thoughts. Perhaps I wasn't that funny or not making much sense because of all the alcohol and THC in my system. Perhaps they were not at full capacity to comprehend the humor of someone they'd just met for the same exact reason. Whatever it was, I didn't fall in to place and that wasn't at all what I had in mind for Christmas Eve.

I know that I definitely can fit in with new environments similar to the one from last night. It was really no different from when I met the team I'd be working with in Belize for the first time. Or our first night together in Belize. How shocked all our systems were and yet we managed to cope and enjoy ourselves. And today I deeply care for many of those people I once considered strangers. How can this be accomplished unless the other party is just as willing and eager to accept and be accepted?

I don't think it can be. Going to the Christmas party last night was a not a good idea. None of those people wanted to share their holiday with new faces. They wanted to feel comfortable with familiar faces. While I was trying to make the best of my first Christmas away from home they were trying to keep sacred this tradition of camping together every year on the 24th of December.

Consequently, I awoke with the sunrise and cried for violent yearning of home. I wanted to walk out to the living room, sleepy-eyed, and see the twinkle of cheer in my mom's eyes and hug all my family members and smell my grandpa's cherry tobacco and show them all pictures of my travels.

I suppose, then, I was spiteful toward the events of my life last night and this morning and did the opposite of what I tell myself to do every day: make the most of your surroundings.

And now, after logically thinking it through and rationally explaining and comprehending the reasons behind the actions of myself and others, I will just unload all my inner wailing and childish cries:

I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN MAUI ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE THAT IS EASY FOR ME TO LOVE. I WANT TO BE ENGULFED BY THE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS. I AM SICK OF THE SMELL OF BURNT SUGARCANE AND I WANT TO SMELL CONIFEROUS FOREST. I WANT TO ENCOUNTER WISECRACKING COWBOYS IN DENIM AND BEAT UP TRUCKS AT THE LONE GAS STATION, NOT SHIRTLESS TATTOOED LOCALS IN OBNOXIOUSLY 'TRICKED OUT' HUMMERS THAT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE MORE EFFICIENT FOR GETTING FROM POINT A TO B, AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO RACE OR CULTURE BECAUSE I AM NOT A DISCRIMINATORY PERSON. I SIMPLY REALIZE THAT I FIT IN BETTER ELSEWHERE BECAUSE OF MY INTERESTS, GOALS, AND PHILOSOPHY AND FOR MY HEALTH AND SANITY I SHOULD PROBABLY HIGH TAIL MY ASS THERE SPEEDY GONZALES STYLE BEFORE I START EXPRESSING THESE FEELINGS MORE FORCEFULLY.

Take me home, country roads.