Dwellings

Why is it that my mind is so susceptible to giving so much focus to occurrences throughout life that ultimately have almost no real significance to who I am and what I am trying to accomplish?

Why can I remember times that were humiliating for myself as a nine year old girl?

Why do I remember people who seemed disapproving of me or blatantly expressed dislike for me, but trying to remember the faces of smiling passersby is difficult?

Why do I dwell on interactions that make me feel uncomfortable or unhappy when they are mere minute details of my being?

And why, oh why, are we so negative towards one another?

I make it my job, every day, to be an encouraging and positive force on others. Of course, I fail more often than succeed because I cannot make my brain keep up with the tasks I have set for it to do. I linger on fleeting thoughts and get easily frustrated if I have not eaten or did not sleep well or lack proteins and energy and hydration or if I don't feel well because of menstrual cramps or a hangover. These elements can quickly change my mood and distract me from how I've told myself to behave. These are all excuses as well. It is true that no one around me has intentionally altered their behavior to affect my mood, at least I sure as hell hope not. So, it would make no sense for me to "take it out on them" by inserting negativity in to my surroundings when the cause of my own negativity is not the fault of anyone else and sometimes not even of myself.

It is so simple to grab a glass of water and an advil without so much of a peep. What use is it to make a big deal of a headache, thereby making it worse, notifying everyone in the room that you are suffering, when one could so quietly find a solution to the problem and carry on? Why do we feel the need to share our suffering, especially when it isn't suffering at all. It is slight discomfort in comparison to the extremeness of suffering.

I have found that I am, in fact and as my mother told me all along, an incredulously sensitive person. My feelings are easily hurt, I can often miss jokes because I'm thinking to seriously, and concepts like "belonging" and "acceptance" are important to me. As soon as I detect rejection my mind is quick to detach itself.

I feel such a strong, pulsing attachment to the state of Montana, the mountain ranges of the west, Glacier National Park, Lake McDonald, the city of Whitefish, the snow that falls there, the animals that roam there, each sunrise and sunset, each trail and tree and stream and shore.

Maui is a beautiful place too. Yet I feel absolutely no attachment to this location. I don't particularly care if I never see the waves crashing against the beaches of Paia again, as long as it means I never have to sit in Paia traffic again.

Does Montana traffic have no affect on me simply because it is occurring in a place that gives me a positive stimuli? Should I, then, be selective of my environments knowing that one will produce a happier, more positive me?

But, what is it about Montana that triggers a favorable response? Does it matter? If I were to find out that all the core reasons in which I prefer Montana to other places are completely arbitrary, meaning I could acquire and achieve the same elsewhere, would it change my mind?

The truth is I don't think it does matter. It could be that the weather is more suitable. Maybe I've subconsciously coaxed myself into feeling that Montana is spiritually correct, that my soul was meant to find a home there and I haven't any real control of it all. That is absurd in reality but whatever the agent is to my affection, the affection does exist and I should allow myself the environment, not deny myself of it.

Is this going to change the way in which I travel and explore? Probably. I am far less likely to go anywhere tropical now.

I feel so completely scatterbrained right now. My mind keeps returning to the thought of some guys from last night laughing at my enthusiasm for the idea of Batman being a spokesperson for women's suffrage and their questioning of my intelligence. It is 99.99% certain that I will never encounter these men again in my life. Still, I felt utterly out of place. Wearing black pants and converse sneakers to a beach. Because, in my mind when I hear 'camping' I think I need to be prepared for the outdoors and protect my lower half. But Maui camping means hanging out in tents by the beach and a highway.
I felt that my humor never once translated the way I had hoped in my thoughts. Perhaps I wasn't that funny or not making much sense because of all the alcohol and THC in my system. Perhaps they were not at full capacity to comprehend the humor of someone they'd just met for the same exact reason. Whatever it was, I didn't fall in to place and that wasn't at all what I had in mind for Christmas Eve.

I know that I definitely can fit in with new environments similar to the one from last night. It was really no different from when I met the team I'd be working with in Belize for the first time. Or our first night together in Belize. How shocked all our systems were and yet we managed to cope and enjoy ourselves. And today I deeply care for many of those people I once considered strangers. How can this be accomplished unless the other party is just as willing and eager to accept and be accepted?

I don't think it can be. Going to the Christmas party last night was a not a good idea. None of those people wanted to share their holiday with new faces. They wanted to feel comfortable with familiar faces. While I was trying to make the best of my first Christmas away from home they were trying to keep sacred this tradition of camping together every year on the 24th of December.

Consequently, I awoke with the sunrise and cried for violent yearning of home. I wanted to walk out to the living room, sleepy-eyed, and see the twinkle of cheer in my mom's eyes and hug all my family members and smell my grandpa's cherry tobacco and show them all pictures of my travels.

I suppose, then, I was spiteful toward the events of my life last night and this morning and did the opposite of what I tell myself to do every day: make the most of your surroundings.

And now, after logically thinking it through and rationally explaining and comprehending the reasons behind the actions of myself and others, I will just unload all my inner wailing and childish cries:

I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN MAUI ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE THAT IS EASY FOR ME TO LOVE. I WANT TO BE ENGULFED BY THE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS. I AM SICK OF THE SMELL OF BURNT SUGARCANE AND I WANT TO SMELL CONIFEROUS FOREST. I WANT TO ENCOUNTER WISECRACKING COWBOYS IN DENIM AND BEAT UP TRUCKS AT THE LONE GAS STATION, NOT SHIRTLESS TATTOOED LOCALS IN OBNOXIOUSLY 'TRICKED OUT' HUMMERS THAT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE MORE EFFICIENT FOR GETTING FROM POINT A TO B, AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO RACE OR CULTURE BECAUSE I AM NOT A DISCRIMINATORY PERSON. I SIMPLY REALIZE THAT I FIT IN BETTER ELSEWHERE BECAUSE OF MY INTERESTS, GOALS, AND PHILOSOPHY AND FOR MY HEALTH AND SANITY I SHOULD PROBABLY HIGH TAIL MY ASS THERE SPEEDY GONZALES STYLE BEFORE I START EXPRESSING THESE FEELINGS MORE FORCEFULLY.

Take me home, country roads.

Dance With Yourself

http://vimeo.com/groups/dancewithyourself

If you are on this blog reading this now then go to the above website. pick a song, any song. play that song and dance to it while recording yourself. Then post that video to this group.

That is all.

To be or not to be: Maui or Mountain Mama?

The other morning, having just woke up, I rolled over to Clay staring at me and he says, "Cassie, I don't want to be in Hawaii anymore."

Well, what's a girl to do. I'm definitely not the type to give up, but I'm looking at it more so as a learning experience. Nothing is set in stone as of yet and perhaps I am speaking too soon. But he seems hellbent on leaving and I can't say I'm disappointed. Maui is clearly not turning out to be how I romanticized it in my head. Thus, the lesson: choose more carefully my path so as not to waste time and money.

Still, coming to Maui has been good for me. I really can't call it a waste.

Either way, I have a lot of Hawaiian themed postcards to send in the next month, because I know I'll never send them once I leave and then I'll just keep them and a hefty chunk my the collection will be touristy-looking "GREETINGS FROM" cards.

I fine with Montana or Colorado and anywhere in between. As long as I am with snow, mountains, and good friends nearby I think I will be content.

That must be the best way to describe it- There isn't necessarily anything wrong with Maui, as it is no better or worse than anywhere else, and I know I can make the best of any situation, especially the ones I put myself in. But, I can certainly see myself being happier elsewhere. While Maui has charming aspects, I am simply not content. I feel I should be doing something. What in the hell could that be?

Clay seems to feel he's not learning much, as far as his career goes. Working for Colleen's for only two months and she is already offering him a chef position? He's more qualified and capable, yet the people he works with love to make him feel horrible by being condescending. And, I must admit, this is one of the worst kitchens I've ever had to deal with and I have dealt with some real asshats.

I think I just feel like I could be learning to ski or near all of my art supplies or with my car which can transport me out of my apartment, which is something I don't do much of here. Except when riding my bike to and from work.

Joyce is gonna need a jump start, some warming up, and a set of new tires to handle the snow.

Here are the current prospects:

Copper Mountain
Crested Butte
Deer Valley
Evergreen Lodge
Montage Deer Valley
Park City
Steamboat
WinterPark
Breckinridge

If any of my friends have found their way here and are reading this, let me know if there is any way you could help get us employment and/or housing!

Big Planet, Small World

Thanks to the lovely people who sent me these:

Lately, I miss Glacier more than ever. Maui is fantastic when I'm spending my time with my love in the charming little unincorporated town we chose for ourselves. I love riding my bike everyday and my job at Colleen's is working out splendidly. Still, it feels like something is missing.

I suppose it must be the people. All those wonderful friends I made over the past summer. I'm making a few friends here, such as the lovely Rachel who I'm going hiking with tomorrow. She is the only one at work who seems to be on the same page as me as far as priorities and interests go.

Maui just seems to have a certain populace of people who are rather superficial and tend to exemplify the self-centered American mindset that I can't stand. I thought I would be escaping that in a place like Hawaii, on an island where there are signs of "Aloha" and "Go Slow" posted on car bumpers and storefronts everywhere. But in fact, it is quite the opposite in most places aside from Haiku. I think the tourist attractions lend to that but the locals are just as guilty. Glacier taught me how to handle tourists. Possibly, it isn't that I handle them all that well but rather I have a huge group of genuine people to retire with at the end of the long, artificial day.

Of course, I have Clay and we are having a lot of fun. I think our isolation is exactly what we were looking for. Glacier means being surrounded by others AT ALL TIMES. At meals, at work, in the dorms, smoking a cigarette, driving to town (because someone almost always wants to tag along. There are many employees stranded at location for lack of car). Our roommates, bless their souls, were very understanding and we were careful to never cross any lines. We rarely slept away from our own beds, most nights spent together were if one of our roommates weren't coming home or in a tent surrounded by a bunch of other tents full of passed out drunk buddies.

We spent a ton of money of motel rooms too just to have those few nights of alone time. Not that I desperately wanted to be away from everyone else, more that I just wanted to be alone with him. And now, here we are with all the time in the world. I was very much hoping that I wouldn't end up resenting sharing all my time and space with him since I spent so long wanting this for us, and so far it is working out increasingly well.

I just miss having those nights being surrounded by our goofy, fun, wild friends who make me laugh for hours. I miss getting drunk and wandering around property doing stupid things. I miss safety meetings (wandering in to the stark darkness of the Montana woods and sharing a bowl in a dimly headlamp-lit circle of brethren smokers). I miss going in hikes once a week with fellow misfits and outdoorspeople. (AKA hippies.)

That might just be it. Maui is seriously lacking in hippies. I don't mean those bro'ed out, self righteous surf/ski bums who maintain a hippie image but don't practice what they preach. Maui is stock-full of those. I mean real fucking hippies who don't care about what they are wearing or what they are hiking or where they are working and what have you. They care about good times with loving friends and collecting experiences, not things.

Motto of my life.